Flash me!...your gun?

#3 TEMPE, AZ w/ Matt B

This might have been the most destructive week to my body EVER. I ate, drank, and made jokes that got a gun pulled on me.

Three things you should know before I start this story:

1) Hakeem's dad is a prison warden. And he looks the part. Scary.
2) His Mom is the sweetest woman whose homemade egg rolls are so good I would fly down for another batch right now. MMM PASS THE SWEET AND SOUR SAUCE!
3) AZ is a bewildering place where the booze flows like water and beautiful woman abound around Tempe and Scottsdale.

This time around Matt B tagged along to visit Hakeem down to AZ. Hakeem took us out almost every night. And every day I woke up to the beautiful sounds of DIRECT TV March Madness. EVERY GAME AT MY FINGERTIPS! OH, it was glorious. Here, I witnessed my Cinderella Drake Bulldogs fall to the miraculous shot from super Cinderella W. Kentucky. This is what March Madness is all about! This is my kind of spring break!

The first night I was there. I found my two missing Washington State Driver's Licenses in my wallet that I thought I had lost in April.

The following night I had a few too many 'dollar you call its.' When I woke up at 5am, I was downstairs laying half on the armrest of the couch half off it with my pants around my ankles. It looked like I was trying to bone the couch. I didn't even know where I was until I heard Hakeem's parents talking in the kitchen right next to me! I pulled up my pants. Said 'Hi' to the both of them. Did I mention his Dad is a scary prison warden? I ran off stumbling quickly up the stairs. Talk about embarrassing. When I did wake up for good at 3 30 in the afternoon, I woke up underneath the air mattress I had been sleeping on. When his dad saw me, he was probably thinking just another butt raping day at the office for me.

A couple nights later we are rollin' around Tempe in Hakeem's friend's Range Rover! I-am-lovin'-it! I'm a classy guy. So, I'm sitting in the back left window seat with my window rolled down yelling 'SHOW ME YO' TITTIES!' at the girls on the street and to all lame cars that pale in comparison to the Range. As Dave and James Collins can note, these things do not tend to go well. A black Escalade with a bunch of rich looking white kids pulls up next to us. With a big shit eating grin on my face I yell, 'Suck! My! Dick! That Escalade is weak, yo! You're rollin' on stock! Ballers roll in a Range like me!' We pull away from the range. The Escalade catches up to us at the next light. And the passenger pulls out a polished silver pistol and flashes it at us. WHOA! I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT!

Everyone in the car sees it. They all panic. TURN RIGHT! TURN RIGHT!

All eyes are on me. WTF DID YOU DO JG?
In my bewildered state, I shoulder the blame for that one. I thought Mill AVE. was the kind of place where this thing wouldn't happen. Well, obviously I was wrong. And that quickly sobered up my prospective and everyone else's night. At least Pita Pit was good. Thanks in part to Rod and Jess being on a first name basis with their Pita Pit guy.





SIDE STORY: I know this doesn't mesh with the story but for those of you who know Hakeem and have not met his brother Richard you will find this funny. They are opposites. Richard is a married man who talks more in one night than Hakeem does in a month. He heard there was guests and Mama Rollins' egg rolls; so, he rushed over inebriated. And at every chance he was challenging Hakeem. 'Do you want to be in the NBA, kid? Do you? Then listen to me.' If Hakeem thought it would help he would have punched Richard in the face and put him in a closet if he could. But Richard isn't a small man. Moreover, he certainly wouldn't be deterred by one punch. The man is determined to do whatever he wants. I'm not trying to put Richard on blast. I like the guy. I just thought this was an ironic moment worth mentioning.