Flash me!...your gun?

#3 TEMPE, AZ w/ Matt B

This might have been the most destructive week to my body EVER. I ate, drank, and made jokes that got a gun pulled on me.

Three things you should know before I start this story:

1) Hakeem's dad is a prison warden. And he looks the part. Scary.
2) His Mom is the sweetest woman whose homemade egg rolls are so good I would fly down for another batch right now. MMM PASS THE SWEET AND SOUR SAUCE!
3) AZ is a bewildering place where the booze flows like water and beautiful woman abound around Tempe and Scottsdale.

This time around Matt B tagged along to visit Hakeem down to AZ. Hakeem took us out almost every night. And every day I woke up to the beautiful sounds of DIRECT TV March Madness. EVERY GAME AT MY FINGERTIPS! OH, it was glorious. Here, I witnessed my Cinderella Drake Bulldogs fall to the miraculous shot from super Cinderella W. Kentucky. This is what March Madness is all about! This is my kind of spring break!

The first night I was there. I found my two missing Washington State Driver's Licenses in my wallet that I thought I had lost in April.

The following night I had a few too many 'dollar you call its.' When I woke up at 5am, I was downstairs laying half on the armrest of the couch half off it with my pants around my ankles. It looked like I was trying to bone the couch. I didn't even know where I was until I heard Hakeem's parents talking in the kitchen right next to me! I pulled up my pants. Said 'Hi' to the both of them. Did I mention his Dad is a scary prison warden? I ran off stumbling quickly up the stairs. Talk about embarrassing. When I did wake up for good at 3 30 in the afternoon, I woke up underneath the air mattress I had been sleeping on. When his dad saw me, he was probably thinking just another butt raping day at the office for me.

A couple nights later we are rollin' around Tempe in Hakeem's friend's Range Rover! I-am-lovin'-it! I'm a classy guy. So, I'm sitting in the back left window seat with my window rolled down yelling 'SHOW ME YO' TITTIES!' at the girls on the street and to all lame cars that pale in comparison to the Range. As Dave and James Collins can note, these things do not tend to go well. A black Escalade with a bunch of rich looking white kids pulls up next to us. With a big shit eating grin on my face I yell, 'Suck! My! Dick! That Escalade is weak, yo! You're rollin' on stock! Ballers roll in a Range like me!' We pull away from the range. The Escalade catches up to us at the next light. And the passenger pulls out a polished silver pistol and flashes it at us. WHOA! I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT!

Everyone in the car sees it. They all panic. TURN RIGHT! TURN RIGHT!

All eyes are on me. WTF DID YOU DO JG?
In my bewildered state, I shoulder the blame for that one. I thought Mill AVE. was the kind of place where this thing wouldn't happen. Well, obviously I was wrong. And that quickly sobered up my prospective and everyone else's night. At least Pita Pit was good. Thanks in part to Rod and Jess being on a first name basis with their Pita Pit guy.





SIDE STORY: I know this doesn't mesh with the story but for those of you who know Hakeem and have not met his brother Richard you will find this funny. They are opposites. Richard is a married man who talks more in one night than Hakeem does in a month. He heard there was guests and Mama Rollins' egg rolls; so, he rushed over inebriated. And at every chance he was challenging Hakeem. 'Do you want to be in the NBA, kid? Do you? Then listen to me.' If Hakeem thought it would help he would have punched Richard in the face and put him in a closet if he could. But Richard isn't a small man. Moreover, he certainly wouldn't be deterred by one punch. The man is determined to do whatever he wants. I'm not trying to put Richard on blast. I like the guy. I just thought this was an ironic moment worth mentioning.

Vacation: tales from the crypt of Spring Breaks past

I've got the whole week off and no where to go. So, I'm going to post a bunch of fun things I did and make you all suffer through reading it while you are at work. HAH HAH!

But since I'm not really doing anything at all let's talk about past Spring Breaks where I went somewhere fun in the sun or Ohio....


#4
2004.... Mad Snow Banks of Columbus, OHIO

Who vacations in Ohio? Me. Wanna know why? Because I have never had more fun in an uglier place.

I flew into Columbus to watch the Huskies play UAB in the first round of the NCAA tournament. I was going to meet up with Todd, his brother Del, and their Ohioan friend AK. I flew in a day before them. So, I stayed in a hotel next to the airport for the night. I walked across the parking lot to the local ROSCO's waffle house. THAT WAS MY FIRST WAFFLE HOUSE EVER! I enjoy the simple things, ok?

Anyway, the next day Todd and co. picked me up and we scoured downtown for parking. Eventually we settled on the open top floor of a parking garage surrounded by high rises in downtown Columbus. It's a Thursday afternoon. A workday. But for me it's my first spring break albeit in a brown, snow covered town. So, we pull out a cooler of beers and crack a few open in the cold. I'm looking around at all the high rises and bs'ing with Todd's brother and AK. They are stoked we have tickets for the game. (Thanks again Hans) We see a couple people looking down from the 20something floor in the building next to us. I'm a paranoid kid trying not to get an MIP in Ohio of all palces so I freak a bit. Del and co. calm my skinny butt down. I finish my delicious, freezing cold beer. When out of the stairwell comes a homeless looking individual in drab. I draw attention to the person as they approach us. 'Naw, don't worry, Justin it's probably a homeless person,' someone says. The lady gets closer and her badge sways from the chain hidden under coat across her chest. FUCK.

'Hey, boys, how are you today? Are you drinking out here?'

Great. Everyone is silent.

'Break out your IDs. Line up.'

Are you kidding me? This is going to be a shooting gallery. Keep your mouth shut and let Dell do the talking. Chime in only when you can save your ass for sure.

'Who bought you this beer? Was it you?' She looks at Del.

Del 'No officer.' The rest of us nod in agreement.

'Who was it?'

'His father.' Looks over at AK.

'And where is he?'

'At home in Gibsonburg.'

The officer has no clue where that is. 'Where? Nevermind. Pour out the beers you have and put the rest away. And vacate the lot.'

'Alright.' PHEW. How did I dodge that bullet.

Del reparked the car on a lower level. And we left early for the game. Which turned out for the best since it was a first come first serve player will call set up we ended up getting the greatest since I have ever had. Too bad the Huskies lost thanks to Mike Anderson (current Mizzou coach) and Squeaky Johnson's three point, coffin nailing bank shot.

After the game we make the 2 hour trek from Columbus to Gibsonburg. Nothing to see except fast food joints, the only man made hill for miles, and more dirt. Here, we shacked up in AK's parents house. AK's dad, Dave, is a joker. He would wait until you got up then he would say,'Hey, since your up (for whatever reason) can you grab me a beer?' So, I learned quickly not to move for a damn thing. This became a game between me and him. I only got up when someone else got up first or Dave got up for some odd reason. That man can sit on a coach like it's nobody's business. And he knew it. He waited patiently for the opportunity.

Anyway, I had a blast in Gibsonburg! I met all of Todd's family friends from when he used to live there. And for some reason they loved me! And I loved them! Beers everywhere. Free and delicious food. Oh man, but the best thing of all was OOGIE'S subs. I would kill a man for two of those. I would fly back just for one of those delicious morsels. I keep losing my focus...

So, one night we drove up to University of Toledo and partied at Sarah and Jenny's house. Todd and I were guests of honor which meant free jello shots and keg beer. Not to mention lots of attention heaped upon us outsiders from Seattle. Of course I loved it! I'm an attention whore. Especially, when free booze and pretty girls are involved. Everyone made me feel so welcome. Todd would introduce me as JG. And I loved listening to the Ohioans try to pronounce it. 'JAY JAE? JAY GEE??' I felt right at home. No one could understand my stupid initialized name and I was making friends left and right.

I was getting the tour around the house and talking to everyone along the way. I ventured downstairs with Todd and Sarah to her room to talk to her boyfriend and his friend. Sarah was down there and she was a little mad at him at the time. He was all but passed out on her roommate's bed with straw hat on and a drunken, perverse smile on his face. His buddy is laughing hysterically at whatever he retorts back to Sarah. And the friend is encouraging the boyfriend to continue to act this way. And they laugh and laugh. She scolds him saying, 'Jared you can't sleep in Stephanie's bed!' I'm witnessing this as a comfortable and amused stranger. I'm not trying to intervene or laugh too loudly. I notice he is grinning comfortably with the smile of a child when he pisses himself. Sarah finally convinces Jared's friend to get him to move. And he gets Jared to move into Sarah's bed. Sarah goes over to fix her roommate's covers when she notices the bed is wet. In fact he did piss himself. She goes into an uproar. Jared's buddy is dying from laughter. She is scolding him for laughing so much. I'm trying not to laugh too much. Todd is red faced giggling. And Jared is laying in her bed now with his wet pants off with that same smile on his face. I couldn't believe it.

I went back upstairs to gather some more attention as I waited for the news to follow me up. When asked I started telling the story about almost getting an MIP. I rip a couple jokes. They are eating out of the palm of my hand. This big boned, random woman walks in with a fifth of cap'n morgans. Ooo my favorite at the time! She starts passing out random pull shots. I'm in like Flynn. I smooze her a little. 'OOO, what do you have there, pirate? Is that some booty!' Ding! Free shot! And another. This is great!

I turn around and Todd's friends are baffled asking who is this girl. I interrupt them. 'Why does it matter? She may be a cow but she's got free booze.' They are eating it up! I love being a lovable prick. I could have thrown up on the kitchen floor and they would have still loved me. Ohio is great. So great that I returned to Jenny's wedding whose party it was. The wedding was awesome by the way.

I felt sad leaving to go home. But not much changes in Gibsonburg. And I shall return again someday.


Gibsonburg is the greatest little town in the world.

Huskies out

Goodbye Brockman.

A moment of silence please.


Now, I know you are trying to get it right for summer. Check out this kid's summer workout plan for you....




TURBO! BOOMBOOMBOOM LEMMEHEARYOUSAYWAY-O!WAY-OOOOO




I'm still working on figuring out what to write about. All my IMA and college stories are blurred into one 4 or 5 year period.

Better start with Freshman year....

Bracket Time

We were dealt a 4 seed on Sunday. Like JD said, 'If you don't want to bring your A game then sit down.' With a strong bracket around us consisting of two major conference tournament champs the Huskies have a lot of work to do. But the tourney is about all 65/64 teams. And I know you want in.

http://games.espn.go.com/tcmen/group?entryID=882140&groupID=76734

group name: Portland to Motown
Password: justin

5 bucks an entry. I'll keep track by putting it all in a bank account. Sign up by Thursday morning.

A Class Act

Dade City, Florida (The Weekly Vice) - Antwan L. Grandberry, a 19-year-old Dade City man was arrested after assaulting mother who caught him masturbating.
According to the Dade City Police Department, the incident began about 7 p.m. Tuesday when Grandberry's mother looked outside and saw her son, Antwan, masturbating in the back yard. She reportedly yelled at him to stop.
Grandberry walked around to the front of the house and rang the doorbell. When the mother answered and yelled at him once more, Grandberry responded by punching his mother in the face, according to the arrest report.
Grandberry was booked into the Pasco County Jail on a charge of domestic violence where he currently remains in lieu of a $500 bond.


Why the backyard? Maybe he has phytophilia.

Where were all these girls when we were in college? .... oh yeah at ASU and anywhere there is sun.

http://www.collegehumor.com/hottestgirl/2009

Check that site out.

I haven't looked at any bracket but the West out of bias. But I want to draw attention to this completely unfair match up between Alexis and Jennifer at the bottom side of the West bracket. You can't have two A-grade blondes facing each other in the first round! That is like having UNC play UCONN in the first round round! Brad, I know you are with me on this. These are top notch girls compared to some of the others in their bracket.

What do you think? Who are your favs?

Tomorrow is Friday. 2 days until selection Sunday

I am trying to get you as excited as I am. So, I dug up this video from the 90's....



AND THAT'S THE WAY IT HAPPENED!


by the way... I am starting to believe in a 2 seed if UW can win the pac 10 tourney. All these loses in the big 12 and big east tourney have me believe in Migs' original statement. I'm not buying into his 1 seed hype...yet.

It's that time of the year again... Tourney Time and.....Timberlake

You know, snow, presents, christmas trees....wait wtf.... Didn't we get enough of this in December? Someone tell me seriously there isn't a climate change happening! But this is the best and worst time of the year for me. It's like a bittersweet symphony of bountiful hardwood glory! ALLERGIES AND TOURNEY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I might have just............



I don't know how I have allergies at the same time every year even though it was snowing this year. C'mon it's bad enough I am lactarded. I can't enjoy ranch and sweet cheese. Now, you throw allergies and snow at me in March. Tell me there isn't climate change, Lou Holtz.

Anyway, Tourney time is my all time favorite time of the year. Filling out my bracket. Sneaking a transistor radio into work. Bringing my laptop to watch games on my lunch break. Bracket happy hour and crazy motel 6 hotel rooms where you root for Vermont to crush the Orangemen. Greatest time of the year. And only one week until you can fill out your brackets! And brag it up when you correctly pick Western Kentucky to make it to the sweet 16! Or you predict VCU to upset Duke. Oh, that was sooo sweet. I really might have jizzed in my pants. In fact Tourney time is like a bountiful present you might get inside of a box....





SNL shorts are keeping SNL afloat these days.



How 'bout them dawgs??!?!?! Pac 10 regular season champs. Now, just if they can win the pac 10 tourney.... I don't know about a number 1 or 2 seed, migs. But I will throw in your googled fact of the day. Did you know in my lifetime only once has a pac 10 team not been a one or a two seed. All I want is a solid 3 seed in a weaker West bracket starting the regionals in Portland. Is that too much to ask for???

To add to that Jon Brockman is my hero. At this point he is so legendary around Seattle you could insert his name into a Chuck Norris joke/fact and it would be considered as truthful as if it were set in stone like a 10 Commandment. Example: Some kids piss their name in the snow. Jon Brockman can piss his name into concrete. He could probably break bricks with that thing.... ha ha


Side note: I saw him push over a port-a-potty once.... wait...no... that was Fletch and AJ. You bastards. Don't tell Bash Bros. but while immature that was kind of funny. You ruined that party.
Bring Zane and a briefcase we need to reminisce. Or meet me in AZ for memorial day.




D WADE FOR MVP!!!!! I am sold on Wade 4 MVP! End the season now.

After he stole the ball from John Salmons with only seconds left in double OT, 'I was thinking timeout. Coach said we had a timeout...but then I thought naaawww.'
SWISH!!!!!!!




The best part about that might be Brad Miller mouthing 'Fuck me' after D Wade hit that shot. DWADE is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object he beats it into submission.

I am loving basketball right now. And I might have hit the max for number of embedded videos you could put in single post. Goodnight!

Slow day

It was a fairly slow day.


For your daily entertainment here is a classic.



http://www.howmanyfiveyearoldscouldyoutakeinafight.com/


28 without martial arts experience. I wouldn't use a child as a battering ram until one of them hit me. I can't be seen as a poor role model for kids because I instigated this battle royale.

At a loss for words

I am at a serious loss for words....



Has anyone seen that whole thing before?



Usain Bolt's head runs around via a couple feet attached to itself.... and KG sinks the poodle for Game 7..... I think this only goes to further show KG is clinically insane.

Seriously. wtf, mate.


The only pro was it encouraged me to watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Good flick. Life's just one big joke.

Back to the work week after this interlude: My Weekend

Another weekend for the books. Another couple moments to add to the blog.

On Saturday night I took the liberty of driving a couple of friends around from party to party. By the time we reach the bar in Fremont Heezy is well on his way to absolute obliteration. Because of Heezy's cousin Dan's birthday everyone was buying drinks for his cousin. But Irei bought them both a shot and a beer for the occasion. Heezy was not having it. I handed him the beer then I handed him the Hawaiian's shot of choice, whiskey. He hands me back the shot and says, 'I can't take this. Is this whiskey? You know I can't take this, Jeege. Here you take it!'

Me--- 'No, absolutely not. I'm not taking this shot. I'm driving.'

Heezy --- 'Please Jeege! C'mon!

Me --- 'No, **** that.'

Heezy --- 'Ok. Just take half of it.'

Jeege --- 'Alright. Fine. But hand me your beer so I can chase it.'

Heezy --- 'Thanks Jeege. You're the best!'

I took the beer and turned my head to take the shot. Instead of taking the shot I turned Heezy's beer into a boilermaker.

I handed him back the shot but kept the beer.

Now, Dan refused to take his shot. Heezy turned back to me for help. So, I repeated the process and turned Heezy's beer into a full blown Boilermaker. I put on my fake shot face and handed the shot back to Dan. They both thanked me profusely and slipped the whiskey down their throats. And Heezy took his beer back. Hah! Take that!

30 minutes later I can't find Heezy. I'm asking everyone where he went.
I scour the bathroom and I can't find him. I come back to the group. And there he is leaning weakly against a railing next to a plant looking like he is ready to puke. I get him out of there and into the car as fast as possible. On the way back we had to stop once. But, alas, no luck. I get him back to his house. Before I can find a place to park he swings the car door open and runs away to puke. I park the car as fast as I can and book it back to make sure he doesn't wander into the street. As I approach the front door I see Heezy through the window. He is bent over and holding himself up by the door knob. He didn't make it two steps into the house before the Boilermaker ruined his hardwood and his night. Right below him is squid-looking vomit strewn across the hardwood floor. Bottom line: I'm not drinking and driving because you aren't man enough to take a whiskey shot! Sorry Heez but I'm not gonna end up like this guy next to my Ford Focus:



I did feel a little responsible. So, I grabbed a couple towels from around the house and cleaned up the mess before anyone got home.

P.S. At the same time as this, a friend of ours was getting arrested at Jack in the Box for punching in a window of a car. Enough said.