FAREWELL TEACHERS

So, I thought last night was an introductory dinner. Instead it was a Farewell Dinner to remember.

At first I thought, NO WAY am I posting this. Then I thought about it. And I had to. Mom, here's a little insight to your son. If you think ignorance is bliss, then stop here. 

The only way I can think of to tell a debauchery story like this one is a Tucker Max-esque chronological timeline narrative.

5:45pm ----- Arrive at restaurant. Main co-teacher scolds me and K for pouring a drink on an empty stomach. We wait to drink.

5:50pm ---- Mi Sun and Miss Yoo tell me that they will drink! I am excited. Mi Sun tells me that she will pay a designated driver. I am even more excited. I want a designated driver. I miss my car.

6:00pm ---- Departing teachers receive presents. Principal blows out the '61' numbered candles on his birthday cake. I remark how good he looks at 61. I want to look that good at 61.

6:01pm ---- Principal makes a birthday and send off speech.

6:04pm ---- We cheers the 1st soju shot to the principal's 61st birthday. I am jealous of his looks. 'I want to look like him and George Clooney,' I say.

6:10pm ---- We cheers again. This time to the departing teachers.

6:15pm ---- We begin cooking the duck. We are cheers'ing again. 'Kombai!' Why? Because we can.

 6:16pm ---- I remark about how much I hate soju. I explain that soju hangovers are worse than wine hangovers. I refuse to retract my statement. I drink another soju shot anyway.

6:19pm ---- I realize that I dont have any pictures with any of them particularly Mi Sun, who is leaving. I dont have my camera. Miss Yoo offers up her phone as a camera.

6:21pm ---- It is a hassle for the teacher to use her phone as a camera. She uses her own camera.

6:22pm ---- She snaps a photo of me with chopsticks in my mouth like a walrus. I have only had 2 shots of soju. 



6:30pm ---- I am eating delicious duck. Quack quack, how you like me now you foul? I begin to curse the delicious duck.

6:45pm ---- Mi Sun and K order sweet wine. Someone pours me a shot glass of champagne. I keep eating the duck.

6::51pm ---- Mmm duck. Oh, a shot? Don't mind if I do.

6:55pm ---- Another cheers. Ok, sure.

7:00pm ---- I'm beginning to notice I'm buzzed. I must eat more duck.

7:10pm ---- Focusing on the duck. K has wandered off to talk to the dirty old man teacher. Miss Yoo and I remark about dirty old men. 'Ohhhh~, she is so popular with the old men,' Miss Yoo exclaims out of jealousy and disgust. 'It's ok. Old men just know what they want,' I remark.

7:12pm ---- Someone tells me to eat more. Don't you worry, lady, I will.

7:25pm ---- Soju. 10? 12?

7:30pm ---- K comes back to the table. She starts swearing in English. I explain a few curses to her. She curses in my general direction. Miss Yoo gives it a shot. In a teaching way I curse back loudly alarming other teachers. I boast about my cursing repertoire in English and Korean.

7:33pm ---- Here's to fucking cursing *gulp*

7:35pm --- I ask about puns. They tell me a Conglish pun. I laugh. I forget it quickly. 

7:40pm ----- Random teachers including the vice principal are coming over to drink with me. A shot? Again? Why not!

7:45pm ---- Where are all these drinks coming from? I have lost count already.

7:52pm ---- I am redder in the face than the Koreans. This isn't how this is suppose to work. They remark on it. I explain that they should be the ones with the Asian glow not me. I tell them I am dehydrated. I need water. They order more water.

8:00pm ---- I gulp down a liter of water. Ah! I am refreshed! My face and nose feel less like Rudolph.

8:05pm ---- More duck. More soju.

8:07pm ---- I realize that I am doomed.

8:15pm ---- The principal makes a final send off speech for the departing teachers. In his speech he calls me 'half a human' who cannot understand. He is joking. Everyone laughs. I am still sad.

8:16pm ---- Cheers to you, Half Human! Maybe....I am like Harry Potter...Or just half man, half animal...

8:20pm ---- More people are pouring me random shots.

8:20:30pm ---- K pours me another shot immediately after I finish my last shot. She shoots hers and mockingly turns the almost empty shot glass upside down over her head.

8:21pm ---- I make K take another shot with me, after this slighting.

8:25pm ---- Miss Yoo has long since stopped drinking. She looks at me disparagingly. But she says nothing about my drinking. My Korean Mother let's this occasion slide. Pour me another!

8:30pm ---- Miss Yoo introduces me to a teacher that I have never met before. Is she cute? I can't tell anymore.

8:31pm ---- She says I look like Jim from The Office. She is cute.

8:33pm ---- Mi Sun joins in on The Office conversation. She says Dwight is cuter than Jim. WHAT?! I defend Jim's honor. I secretly agree that Dwight might be the best character.

8:37pm ---- Jim lovers unite against Mi Sun. Jim's pranks on Dwight are too funny. The stapler in the jello! C'mon! The phone in the ceiling! Priceless.

8:45pm ---- We are the last of the bunch. 12 of the original 30 or 40 remain. Mi Sun is elated to be here so late. Miss Yoo talks about Mi Sun's drinking days with her husband in college. Alcoholic? Scandalous!

8:50pm ---- My Principal and Vice Principal invite me and the group to their table. 4 more shots down the hatch. They are liquoring me up good. I am not suspicious of anything. The principal asks me what my favorite type of meat is. I refrain from making any jokes. I tell him whatever his favorite meat is. I refrain from making more jokes. He offers to take me out to eat and drink sometime. I don't care about the language barrier. I want to know his secrets of youth! I want a free meal!

8:55pm ---- I find out their secret plan! THEY WANT ME TO STAY ANOTHER YEAR! They get me hammered and ask me to stay 1 more year! They are tricky! It's 6 on 1! Everyone is trying to get me to commit to another year. Offers are being made. The VP basically offers her daughter to me. My ego is being stroked. The gifts are being laid before me. More women are being thrown before me. We will find you a Korean girlfriend!!! How about her!? I see their plan. I must stay strong! How do I combat against it?

8:57pm ---- I take another shot.

9:00pm ---- I will not falter! I explain 6 months is a long time. We will see. I hold strong. Soju is my enemy.

9:12pm ---- We are kicked out of the restaurant.

9:15pm ---- I do not want to Noraebang it up. We go to a local bar.

9:20pm ---- K buys a round of beers. I fear this beer will be the end of me.

9:35pm ---- More cursing, more office talk, more laughing. I forget the time.

9:50pm ---- Sipping on the beer. I am beginning to lose my English. So are they. It's come down to cursing.

10:05pm ----- AHHHHH I see the time. I am suppose to be online playing Dan in 25 minutes. I begin gulping my giant beer.

10:06pm ---- Beer gone. I begin to make my goodbyes.

10:07pm ---- They are wondering why I am leaving. They object to my leaving. Miss Yoo tells me I cannot leave because my bag with my computer is in her car. I tell her not to worry. It's not like I will be using it tomorrow. I will be sleeping on my desk and nursing a hangover at work. I can't actually do any work.

10:10pm ---- I run away! I must get home!

10:20pm ---- I am fast. I am home. Memories fade. Goodnight, Mind.


8:00am ---- UGH! I wake up in my pants and socks surrounded by my clothes from last night and a PS3 controller. I wonder if I played Dan. I check the PS3. It's unplugged. Not a chance.

8:10am ---- After I shower, I see that my backpack is in my doorway. How did that get there?


8:40am ---- I am the only one at work. Everyone else has the day off. I am still drunk, so, I am not miserable, yet. I eat my ramen and drink 2 liters of water.


9:01am ---- I am miserable.

11:25am ---- K shows up to give me bananas, lemonade, and gatorade. She tells me she remembered what I said last night about being dehydrated. And this is for my dehydration. I think that if I ate a banana right now, I would more certainly vomit. I cannot stand the texture of bananas.

11:27am ---- K tells me she vommed. I laugh. She vommed again this morning after she cleaned it up. I laugh some more. Vomming is funny.

11:28am ---- Miss Yoo calls me. She is upset with me. Why didn't you pick up the phone when I called 10 times last night? I came to give you your backpack and you did not answer! I had to sit in the taxi while I waited for you to come get your backpack! I am amazed and very sorry. I try to explain my state of mind.

11:29am ---- I give up explaining. She will get over it. I think, Last night was a gooooood night. K leaves to go home and sleep. I am jealous. Memories return. My body is upset.


My total tally:

Soju: 2 or 3 bottles. I quickly lost count.

Duck: Enough to get me to Round 4 in Duck Hunt. Get back dog!!! Thats my duck!!!

Beer: 700Ml

Pride: Low

Chances of breathing fire: High


Notes:


Now, I haven't mentioned this to anyone because I don't want you to get stirred up. This is just a rumor. So, please do not get worked up about this. Don't freak out. Do not ask me more questions. I won't know the answers. I heard that this year or next may be the last year for some schools in Incheon, like mine, to have a native teacher on the district payroll. I was told the Incheon district does not have enough money (expenses were spent elsewhere like on purchasing property, the economy, etc.). So, they are thinking about making cutbacks somewhere. This is just a possibility. I know there are conflicting reasons to this. In example Lee Myung Bak's education promises that states, every school shall have a native English speaker in it. But it's something to think about. If you stay another year, you could be the school's last native teacher. Mi Sun kept telling me that in an honorable manner. You could be our school's last native teacher! You should stay another year!

The VP's daughter has been studying in Canada for the past 6 years. I am assuming she speaks good English. And her and her husband took me out to some good Italian food last Sunday. I see their plan! 

Three weeks. 21.

P.S. It's almost 1am the next day. And I'm still hungover. ....
Curse you, SOJU!


HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE POST, MOTHER!