4 reasons I know my body is as old as dirt

4) My back is so broken it could have been turned in for a down payment on a car during the 'Cash for Clunkers' campaign last year. What kind of person throws out their back twice before he turns 24? That's only because one of my lower vertebrae is finely cracked. When I don't take care of my back, that stress fracture has my back muscles spasming like electrically charged rippling jello. For those of you who don't know I actually have a big plastic backbrace, or more aptly titled modern, rigid girdle, that I have to strap into every now and again.


3) My ball and socket shoulder joints ache like I'm using the ball to grind ginseng in the socket. Worst of them is my left shoulder. It could probably be pulled from my shoulder socket like a drumstick off a cooked chicken. I will say this, it has gotten better than a few years ago. That was back when it would sublex from merely reaching to catch an errant softball throw. Back then I probably could have spit in my palm and thrown my arm out of its socket. At least my hips don't feel like they need replacing.

2) I was called a wise old man by several of my teachers the other day. I think something got lost in translation. That was until several of my kids started pointing out my moles and gray hairs. 'Teacher, you doot doot doot doot (pointing at their face then mine). You like-uh cow.' Thanks.


1) Because of it's prevalence right now, my heart takes the top spot. When the doctor tells you that you're fine but you need to stop exercising or your heart will hurt like a punching bag, then it's probably time to check into the local senior hot spot and wind down your life with bingo and dementia. Good thing I got my anti-inflammatory heart medication. I think I'll keep a spot open in my daily medicine holder for diabetes and Centrum Silver.

Runners up: My bum right hamstring always tweaking like it's on E, our Korean friend Hyun Gyu calling me Father all the time, I think I saw ear hair the other day (hah, no way), when I walk too many stairs my knees remind me that the need for a walker may be sooner than I think.

For those of you wondering 'what the fuck is wrong with you, old man', let me be the first to say it's not as serious as you think. I have been having some health problems off and on here. I have had trouble breathing at times and the left side of my chest has been hurting more and more consistently lately. The doctor diagnosed me and gave me a small amount of medication for the time being. I thought he was just going to give me a shot in the ass as is the common practice for almost any ailment out here (see Drake the Injection King. 2 different ailments, sinus problems and a deep cut on his foot, on 2 separate occasions same medical treatment, a shot to the ass). The medication is precautionary anti-inflammatory medication. I took some yesterday. It didn't seem to help. It's probably just a placebo made of kimchi. Kimchi cures H1N1, too, dontcha know?

 What's that little man? You say you have a headache. I've got just the cure. 

This is borderline child pornography. I'm just as shocked as you kid.

Anyway, the doctor, also, told me to take a prolonged rest. No, that doesn't mean I am taking time off from work. It means that I am not suppose to exercise strenuously. He told me to take it easy for a while. When I asked for how long, he told me not too get too worked up during the summer. The entire summer......? Well, fuck that. I am definitely playing basketball this Saturday. I am as stubborn as my father and brother are literally and figuratively thickheaded (my brother once flew full force into a windshield. The windshield was far more damaged than he was).

What surprises me more than the lack of a shot to the ass was how the doctor said nothing about my drinking. I told him that the pain often but not always follows days that I've been drinking. None of this deterred my hospital escort, Medicine Kim as I called him, from asking me to help him practice and teach him English over a few beers. The same goes for the tall, good looking Korean female nurse who jokingly yelled, 'Pinishee,' after my X-rays were taken. You best believe I will help you practice your English with a grin on my face, nurse. My plan for now is to stop drinking for a couple weeks and to rest up. Early nights and lots of water for now. Especially since, the pain in my chest has lessened but has not gone away in 3 days.

I'm not worried. After the doctor gave me the 'ok,' aka the you're fine get out of here so I can treat real patients, and Medicine Kim told me not to worry so much, I slept like a baby last night.

All in all the hospital trip wasn't too bad. By making an appointment, I retained Medicine Kim to escort me around. With him I bypassed almost all the lines. And I picked up a couple new Korean friends and some reassurance that I'm 'ok,' At least I escaped the hospital without an injection to my ass. As Medicine Kim said, 'I HOPE I NEVER SEE YOU HERE AGAIN!'

You got it.




Notes:

I forgot to add this in earlier, but my BP was 155 over 95 when they checked it yesterday. That's pretty sad for me. I remember my last physical. I was between 100 to 120. Hm.